Saturday, May 22, 2010

Twinkletoes Ted (4)

I regained enough sobriety to come stag-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-gering towards the HIC HIC HIC HIC HIC HIC towards the back man I have such a wicked headache and my stomach's swirling of the building to where Lolly was crying for help.

After I'd dug her out from those aromatically super-duper-stickier-than-super-gluing-your-fingers-together pine cones, I repeatedly asked, "Where's Ted?" while doing my best imitation of Beatrix beating the snot out of Buck by smacking myself upside my head with a two by four.

A passerby, who was enjoying my impersonation of Professor Gumby singing "It's Only Make Believe" while bashing his head with a brick, said, "Ted went inside, mumbling that he was gonna make everyone rue the day."

With brain cells pouring out my ears, I grab Lolly and drag into the building.

As we round the corner to the elevators, Ted takes a flying leap of the chair and lands right on my Achy Breaky head. He starts to jump up and down and all around, turning my brain into mush and cognizant skills, already severely reduced due to the case of bottles I done inhaled in the previous chapter, into watery mush.....ummmm......ummmmm........

"I lunge at Ted, only to miss and land flat on my partner's stomach. I'm completely upset because I smudged my makeup, and so I let Ted to flee the scene. Boy was I mad. I mean, do you know how long it took me to get my makeup just right?" says Lolly.

"Suddenly I hear him calling out, 'Fast as fast can be, you'll never catch me!"
I leave a scrambled Humpty with Yeggs Benedictine the short order cook, and I run up those seventeen flights of stairs to the tippity top of the building, where I find Twinkletoes Ted sitting on a ledge and threatening to cast a spell over the city with his horrific dancing.

I jump to the ledge, grab him by his ears and slap the kitty cuffs on him.

I create a temporary holding cell for him by using a wire mail basket, and confident that he wasn't going to escape any time soon, go running down the twenty-seven flights {this is my short story, so it don't have to make sense, so there. nyah.} of stairs back to the lobby.
To my horror, Yeggs Benedictine was about to crack open my partner's head so as to make some sensational eggs Benedict with his insides. I run up to Yeggs, snatch the spatula from his hands and say, "Look, my partner just don't give up his insides for no one you know. You have to be on the exam list and have a score in the top 2% of the class. Furthermore...."
Furthermore, I couldn't finish my thought because a brown thingy went zipping by my head. Leaning over the railing, I took a face full of water.

Ted had made good his escape on the back of a sperm whale. Some how, some way, that sperm whale had come to life and Ted was making a legitimate attempt at carrying out his previous threat.
Irate beyond anyone's imagination, I gave Yeggs a slap across the face with his spatula and ran down another twenty seven flights of stairs to the lobby, so as to apprehend that fiendish fiend, Twinkletoes Ted.

But alas, it was not to be. Ted turned around and began mocking me over my inability to catch him. "Fast as fast can be, I'm the be all to end all."
Grinding my teeth, I lunge towards the sperm whale and I just manage to get my hand on that big old fin of his....


  1. Well, you don't see that everyday!

  2. What, the sperm whale?

    Most definitely.

    It's our state mammal.

  3. Ted's right - you'll never catch him ;)

  4. Betcha you don't remember where I got that catch phrase from?

    The one positive thing about writing this story was all of the pop culture phrases I was able to come up with.

  5. This might suggest that you need to see a doctor. Not the kind with the stethascope. :)

  6. Charles: I was having such an incredibly tough time trying to write this story that I really started going off the deep end with it.

    I guess the self-infliction of pain is rearing its ugly head again.

  7. This reminds me of an ancient movie film I saw at the whaling museum in New Bedford MA in Blk&wht- Harpooning n chasing a sperm whale for over a day before they finally got it- very fast n full of stamina they are-

    I'm really tired from all those stairs too-

  8. Sorry to hear that.

    They do give you a good cardio work out though.

    I thought the whale would make a good addition to the story, as it is on permanent display in the lobby at work.


Nouns, verbs, adverbs and adjectives of all types are greatly encouraged and always appreciated.