Twinkletoes Ted (3)

...which knocked me flat on my buttocks {gotta keep this blog squeaky clean}. Suffice to say, I was royally ticked off to the nth degree that someone would have the audacity to throw a ballet shoe at me. I mean, really, a black ballet shoe? No taste in color. Anyways, Lolly ran over and said, "Humpty, it's....."

She didn't have to say anything else. The strange background music (Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture. I mean really, how bombastic can you get?) said it all.

Twinkletoes Ted! The most fiendish, perhaps the most cunning of all the two-bit pantywaist misanthropes that it has been our marked displeasure to come across in all our years of pseudo-police work. The fiend....the fiend....Moe, Larry the cheese!....the fiend was sulfur city bent on continuing his reign of terror among the masses. What reign of terror, you may ask?

The most hideous form of terror that you can think of: bad dancing. Yes, he makes people dance to the exact same song in the exact same way, films them doing it, and threatens to post the video on YouTube....unless they pay him a plethora of cold hard unfeeling Andrews, pompous Ulysses, or majestic Benjamins.

"Fast as fast can be, you can't catch me! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!" says Ted as he flings his other ballet shoe, jumps, clicks his heels and dashes off like a deranged newscaster.

I scramble to my feet and dashed out the door....

....only to run face first into Red Stripe, the legendary ten foot tall beer bottle from Jamaica. After falling down on my buttocks and being drenched with that delightfully aromatic...ummm....airomatic....ummm...hey man, pash me anodder cold 'un, that's shome good schtuff........~~~~.....~~~~.....

Lolly comes running up to the scene and sees to her disappointment and disgust that Humpty is now fried like a seriously overcooked omelet. Pulling out a spatula that she got from SPATULA CITY, she peels Humpty off the ground and slings him over to the TRex mobile. Sighing, she strolls back to Red Stripe and gives him what for. Threatening to call Carrie Nation back from the dead, she soon gets the info she needs.

Leaving Red Stripe quivering in his golden barley, she is soon tripping to the light fantastic....

....to Flatbush, home of Mr. Met. Or rather, Mr. Met's baseball, Baby Met. She kicks open the door and grabs Baby Met with both hands and starts to squeeze him like a roll of Charmin. "Okay little man, you're just so cuddly and squeezable that I'll think I'll take you home and introduce you to my friend Lenny."
~~~~~~

Baby Met gulped and said, "Not that, anything but that! You know what he'll do? He'll hug me and squeeze me and pet me and hold me and call me George! I'm too young to be called George!"
"Well then, start talking. Where's Teddy?"
~~~~~

Before Baby Met can answer, another ballet shoe comes flying through the window and hits Lolly square on the forehead. She turns and runs out of the house ands frantically looks up and down the street for any sign of Ted.



"Nyah, Nyah!"
Lolly hears that mocking call and twirls around to see where it's coming from, but she sees nothing.
"Nyah, Nyah! Fast as fast can be, I be chillin' in front of my apartment building."
"Where is he??? Where is that little fuzzy bear twerp??? I know, he must be in the bushes," says Lolly, who runs down the side street and dives headlong into the bushes.

She starts to scrounge around on the bottom, when suddenly she gets bombarded with a ton of pine cones. By the time the barrage stops, she is buried under a pile of sticky, smelly pine cones. Poking her head out, she looks straight up and sees Ted sitting as pretty as he can be, on the very tippy top of the tree, saying, "Fast as fast can be, now you can't possibly reach me!"